8 October 2008, 5:49 am
How The Book Was Discovered. Like it or not-like it, books are here to stay. They have been a part of our world longer than things such as trains, and hills, and like the Queen have stayed upright and strong in the way of war and mass bronchial effusia. They have taught us many things - things about the world around us, things about ourselves, even how to dance properly. They have been a force to be reckoned with. Who'll remember such things as motorised tables and curtain insulation in a million years, when we're all heads? But when the Martians come to Earth in 7,000,000 AD, they will read many, many exciting stories about books - of that we can be sure. Who would have thought that the book would ever become as popular as it is now? For the first book was not a book at all, but a net, invented by the Ancient Egyptians to catch "idea bulbs", a sort of floating bulb-insect hybrid which was said to emit ideas, concepts, thoughts and reflections, and smelled nice. However, the net was soon banned before being conscripted into the army by King Tutankhamun, a man not averse to what we now call a good dose of British Commin Sence, who quickly realised that the idea bulb was only known as such due to a bizarre semantic confusion. And, needless to say, it didn't take our grand old King Tut too long to redesign the net himself, in the end settling on, and then alighting from, a blueprint which led to the building of what is now widely considered to be the very first example of The Book, as we know it, to-day. The adventures of the humble book did not stop there, however. Over thousands of years, people have watched the book (or "Oor Book" as it's known in the Northern of Ingalind) sail through time. Professor Armitage Shanksothtrothsprothtonston BA MA PhD BB Officer, head of the Association of Irked Shits (latterly head of the Association of Irked Shits By Proxy), author of a number of fairly banal-to-passable things, thesauri for the experienced anecdote teller and the like, which sell quite well in certain circles (circus big tops, roundhouses, jacuzzis, and the distended contusions of his own fat cranium, to name but four), and of the award winning opera "At The Nexus Of The Universe There Are No Blacks", told us: "The book hasn't had a proper sit down for a long, long time, which is funny, because neither have I," at which point the Professor expired onto the floor and refused steadfastly to redeem himself perpendicular, indicating his ultimate demise. DID YOU KNOW... ...Rex Harrison used to read one million books a day? COMPETITION!!! Write the best sentence you can about books. My favourite sentence will win a tin of paint and a novelty "joke lung", and my top five favourites will be printed on the crook of my knee. Good luck, guys!!!... read more
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